I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
