the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
