I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
