After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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