Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
