she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
