I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The beer is more important than you right now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
