No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
