I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.