I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
