dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
