My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
