We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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