Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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