my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I did not marry a roomba.
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