we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
