He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
