i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
