What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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