he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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