how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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