I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he quoted the bible to break up with me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
