Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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