So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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