Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
