Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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