In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
