mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
