why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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