get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
