if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
