If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
