woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
These tits shall not be calmed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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