Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
