I cannot find my penis.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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