it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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