Sober January is a disaster.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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