i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
