I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
