Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
