I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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