Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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