They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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