Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
