where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
