Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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