The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
