I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
