I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
