piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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