Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
