he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..