I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I checked into jail on foursquare
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo