It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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