This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
