I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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