i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
