So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He better not be in your backpack
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
