I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
