I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
