I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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